Build a Better Sense of Self With trauma comes a fractured sense of self. To re-gain that sense requires several things. First, we must realize that trauma makes us lose ourselves. To heal, we need to work to restore that. I see this happening in three steps: 1. Setting boundaries. When we set boundaries, we identify what is within our control, and what it not. Setting boundaries is the mature way of handling difficult people and settings. It means we don't cut people off, we say "you can come this far, but no father". Setting boundaries allows us to say 'no' when we need to by using phrases such as, 'this doesn't work for me,' or 'I'm not able to do that at this time,' or 'I'm not available.' 2. Watching the negative thoughts. Trauma makes us view ourselves in a negative light. It comes as 'I'm not good enough' or 'I have to be perfect' to 'I should have known better' or 'I cannot trust myself/my judgement'. This self-talk damages our sense of self, and needs to be reframed. Many are not even aware of their negative self-talk. Recognizing your negative self-talk (called negative cognitions in EMDR) is the first step to change. 3. Self-care. Self-care is anything you do that rejuvenates you. For some, it is taking a walk, doing a hobby, or indulging in a good hot bath/soak/spa. Self-care gives yourself the message that you are worth caring about. It is vital in any recovery from trauma.