My Rivendell

Do Past Hurts Make Hurting Others Okay?

August 2, 2013 by Bonnie - Mindset Mentor!

I was chatting with an older lady a day or two ago about some different new items (you’d think I’d learn not to do that huh? lol).

At one point she said that usually people are mean to other people because they themselves have been treated unfairly. I really don’t want to start a conversation about the topic so incase you were thinking I’m being rather vague – you are right!

I then had the (apparently) crazy comment that despite the past – wrong is wrong and while I agree that it creates some understanding of why – it doesn’t create an excuse.

Whoa! That got an angry response from her.

To be honest not much surprises me these days the this really took me back. This lady is not someone I would have guessed to have not only this opinion but so strongly too.

She feels that if society or a group of people, or even another individual hurts a person they have the right to be angry (agreed) and lash back (not so much in agreement) at other people in general.

Now just to clarify we aren’t talking about an incident that happens in the moment or a situation of defense.

I disagreed with her take on this. Hurting other people – especially ones who’ve done nothing to you – simply because you have been hurt in the past is not okay. It perpetuates anger, hate and pain for all.

What kind of twisted circle of anger that would create with everyone feeling victimized and quite justified? Let me rephrase that…they’ve been created for generations already so why keep doing what isn’t working

We have all been hurt, we’ve all been treated unfairly and we’ve all got baggage. Creating more crap in the world has never helped, fixed or changed any of that.

Now forgiveness, kindness and peace…to me that what is going to change things.

She was quite defensive and angry about it – telling me she has the right to think what she wants. I agreed and simply moved on. There was no discussion to be had there, no discourse or exchange of ideas. Too much emotion and defending. You can’t talk about things when one person has those walls up can you?

But I ask you dear readers, is there every a time when you feel it’s okay to treat others badly because you may have once been treated badly?

Posted in Beliefs, Change, Life Lived Better | Tagged anger, fairness, unfair treatment, victims | 6 Comments »

A couple more days to happy crazy town!

June 18, 2013 by Bonnie - Mindset Mentor!

Well, it’s Tuesday already…two more days until I embark on a road trip to partake in the second of three very long, but fabulous, weekends of training. It really is a bit crazy but I’m so happy to be there it doesn’t matter. Mind you I pretty much collapse into bed but that’s okay; I have to get up early anyway! Crazy town? Perhaps but I can’t wait to get there.

No kidding…as long is it, you know what? In addition to being really excited about getting to hone the skills I already have and learn some new ones – I’m really excited to see the people who are going to be there.

There are some amazing – no freaking amazing people in this group. I’ve gotten to know a few of them much better because of the way the studies are set up in between the 3-day weekends.

I can’t wait to give some of them a BIG hug.

Truly, for me half of the joy of deciding to sign up with iPEC (the school I’m training with) is finding all these people who kind of think just like me! Holy crap they ARE out there!

I know I’ve said it before in other posts but us humans are not meant to go it alone in this life. We are meant to make connections, learn from each other and offer that hand up when we can. I don’t think alone is our natural state.

Don’t get me wrong. I am very comfortable being just with myself and to be honest, sometimes I need it. But to FEEL alone, well that is another story. That is loneliness. And that hurts.

It hurts more I think to feel alone in sea of people who you think care about you too. Not being able to express your ideas, thoughts or what your soul’s light is shining is really painful and frustrating. No one wants to feel judged because of who they are deep inside – so we keep it hidden or we feel like we are banging our heads against a wall.

Finding people who I can easily be understood by and who ‘get’ me was like unlocking a treasure box…it feels like coming home. I get what people mean now by the idea of finding your tribe. Your tribe is people who, while not walking your path, parallel it enough that there is connection, understanding and shared excitement and joy about the same sorts of things. (tweet this)

You know what I mean?

So, I’m looking forward to seeing all of them again, learning and laughing and the occasionally teary session. Some powerful stuff coaching and we all go through it together.

Have you found some of your tribe?

ps. If YOU want to become part of MY tribe too (and I hope you do!) you can start by getting my monthly newsletter in your inbox. Just register your email here and you’re good to go. Yay!

Posted in Gratefulness, honest relationships, Relationships | Tagged finding people, fulfillment, happy, living fabulous, loneliness, mindset, positive thinkers, self awareness., truth | 1 Comment »

Can Compassion Overcome Jealously?

June 4, 2013 by Bonnie - Mindset Mentor!

I wrote a blog a while ago that got a lot of amazing responses. Ones that opened up new learning for me too. The blog was about whether we can or should have compassion for ‘bad’ people.

Today’s blog isn’t far off that, but instead focuses more on how we can have compassion for the people in our life whom we care about and who are doing really well.

Why? Because I hear people talking about it. I should say trying NOT to talk about it. They don’t want to admit the feelings they are having around someone else’s success. We all know this feeling…jealously.

Even when we really truly are happy for the other person those jealous feelings can creep in to our minds can’t they? I mean, often we look and think about ‘why them and not me?’.

Yuck. What a crappy feeling for us to deal with. Still, as I have said before – all feelings have value and should be acknowledged as valid. Squashing them down only gives them time to grow and no one wants that right?

So how can compassion help us with that? I know most of us think of compassion as pity but in fact it is so much more than that. It’s love. Pure and simple. Love, love love!

You see, wanting what someone else has is fine. We all do this. That’s not what jealousy is. Jealousy is when we start to have feelings of resentment build up towards the other person and our own situation. Resentment means we are taking someone else’s happiness or success as a personal affront. When we start to take it personally we are really directing our negative energy inward and creating resentment.

Resentment is a powerful and negative energy. It thrives on that inner dialogue of ‘I’m not good enough’.

Compassion can help this because it takes the personal issues out and brings love into the situation.

Compassion is inherently filled with love and one of the most powerful forces on earth. (Tweet this!)

At its simplest I suppose you can use compassion to remind yourself that even though we see this person getting what we might want, their life has its problems too. Don’t kid yourself, I imagine there are people who look at your life and feel the same way. But let’s face it – no one has it perfect right? We all have our struggles and when we keep that in mind we have an easier time feeling joy for others rather than envy or worse, jealously and resentment.

The other thing that is seldom talked about is showing some compassion for ourselves. We, as a society, are so freaking hard on ourselves and it leads to so many mental and physical health issues along with playing a really small game in life.

A really great way to start dealing with your jealousy and resentment is to show that love to yourself by looking at all the blessings and accomplishments you already have.

Everyone is on a different path with new things to learn.

Comparing your story to someone else’s is like comparing apples to Volkswagens. Not even in the same parking lot. (Tweet This)

So, yeah! Compassion trumps jealously!

Now it’s YOUR turn! In the comments below tell me of a time that you overcame jealousy and resentment for the better – and how you did it.

Posted in Compassion | Tagged compassion, jealous feelings, jealousy, overcoming jealousy | 1 Comment »

A feeling of shouldn’t, shouldn’t stop you

May 31, 2013 by Bonnie - Mindset Mentor!

Some interesting news this week of the possibility of sonar showing where Amelia Earhart’s plane’s final resting place might be.

Check out the news here.

As a young girl I was rather fascinated by her story. A women who did what she loved, was brave and adventurous at a time when what she wanted to do was generally frowned upon by societal norms. And yet, she captured the heart and minds of people everywhere.

In fact, this sort of thing happens more often then we realize. The ‘thing’ being admiring those who buck the ‘norms’ to follow their hearts desires. Those people who felt the ‘shouldn’t do that’ label put on them by society, but went ahead and did it anyway.

What’s that really telling us do you think?

Clearly as a society we need a sense of normalcy and expected rules and understandings. This helps us all get a long in a sense. And yet, when these ‘norms’ and ‘rules’ prevent some of us from reaching for the stars (literally in Amelia’s case) we applaud people for pushing past them. It seems we value those who are brave enough to be who they are – no matter what anyone else thinks.

We WANT to see the underdog win!

So how does that translate to our every day life?

Seems to me, as I look, I see far too many people living small and stopping themselves from reaching out and taking risks out of fear of upsetting the normal balance of things. They are living as though that feeling of shouldn’t is their own personal truth!

What would Amelia say about that I wonder?

What does your heart and spirit say about that?

We all do it. In fact, I’ve been holding back on a few things in case I can’t get it right, or figure it out or mess up and oh goodness….what will ‘people’ think? I believe I have to rephrase that to what would I think?

Suddenly, when you ask that question; everything shifts.

What do I think about holding back to please unknown masses? I think that most of them would cheer me on anyway. I think that those who wouldn’t aren’t who I want in my corner.

Let’s face it, we need to buck tradition sometimes to see what else is out there. To stretch and realize that what might have worked (or not) before can change and we can learn to be better versions of ourselves at any time.

One of the things I’ve wanted to do for a while but let lie is to shift this blog over to a self hosted one. One where I can offer more and get more creative with what I put out there. Hanging out here has been wonderful, amazing and at times breathtaking. I have noticed how much more self hosted blogs have to offer though and how much more creative they can be. I told myself I don’t have time to learn all that I’ll need to know to do it, but you know…that is what I told myself before I started this blog too.

So, I’m off to see what I can learn about it and take some steps to streeeeeetch myself in that direction today.

Life is about learning, growing and loving the process. It’s also about falling flat on your butt sometimes, but even that can offer a different perspective on things. Or at least a different view.

The courses I’ve been taking recently have helped me dig even deeper into my soul’s purpose and you’re going to see some stuff happening in the next while. I can’t wait.

What are you going to do today to break through that feeling of ‘shouldn’t’?

Posted in Beliefs, Fear, Goals | Tagged amelia earhart, fear of upsetting others, heart's desire, setting goals, shouldn't, societal norms, soul purpose | Leave a Comment »

Confidence is Cultivated

May 24, 2013 by Bonnie - Mindset Mentor!

So I have this lovely friend named Lynn Brown. She’s pretty motivating and motivated and I have long enjoyed her videos and confidence in doing them.

In fact, more than once she’s made me get a bit of an excitement to doing my own videos.

Then I let my ‘stuff’ get in the way and I let that go. I can admit I’ve got some video hang-ups! I’m not looking my best, what if I flub it up, what if people don’t like what I say, what if I don’t make sense? Goodness, what if people point and laugh! I know, I know…how would I even know if they did that right?

You know FEAR…it’s creative if nothing else. And it was keeping me playing small…way smaller than I want to be playing!

You know confidence is the killer of fear and we need to cultivate our own. How do you increase confidence? By facing our fear, on purpose and with love and grace.

Well, Lynn issued a challenge the other day to step outside that ol’ comfort zone and beef up your own confidence by doing something that scares you a little today which for me was exactly that…a video. Here is the link to her message that lit a fire under my butt. Maybe it was her words, maybe it was the sunshine and maybe it all just came together on a perfect day for it…but I heard her loud and clear.

I loved her video…shared it and thought about it as I avoided the whole thing by taking Charlie for a nice hike in the sunshine.

While I was out and about I had some aha moments. When I got home I kicked my FEAR to the curb and just did it. By the time I figured out how to use my laptop camera I was actually kind of excited to respond to Lynn. Here is it! I really had to work to push that publish button on YouTube let me tell you. Of course Lynn was super supportive and gave me some wonderful cheers after for just going for it.

You know the beauty of stomping fear is the terrific feeling you get afterwards when you realize you are even more amazing than you thought. That you have stepped into your own light and truth and it’s freaking amazing. So, I’m stomping a little harder by sharing my video here with you too. Trust me my little voice is saying ‘be careful’ and ‘oh no, don’t do that!’