My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
Honestly, I don’t think she’s happy. How sad to be completely unlikable and to be unable to make/keep friends. She chases the men and has had friendships with a couple of nice men who live in her facility. Wile I am not actively wishing she were dead, I am looking forward to the peace my mother’s passing will bring.
So as the doctor is telling me how serious the situation is (may not even wake up. If wakes up would require 24/7 care for rest of life) and then give hope to his adult children you can imagine how many friends I had left when I ask doc what is the process for allowing hubby to die. I had almost zero sleep for five days, first time I been in hospital since I was born and even less medical knowledge, high social anxiety, in the space of an 911 call I lost my anchor to the world (hubby) but still had the shell of him, we were living out of home state due to his job so I had no family or friends of my own and my method of asking question was not my finest moment. I felt so ashamed.
10yrs later and knowing the man I knew back then and how he would not had wanted to live like he has since I should of….I don’t know what I should of….I just know he would not had wanted this.
To pray for death is not a sin for those in pain, but rather an mercy.
Your friend should have no shame in hoping his abusive father dies soon.
I'll be honest. I didn't really have all that much grief when my father died. He wasn't close with us at all. None of us kids were ever any kind of priority in his life. He wasn't abusive though. When he dies my sibings and myself sort of felt like you do when a distant great aunt or uncle who you only see at weddings or funerals dies. Nothing serious.
When my mother goes that will be different. She's been in my life a lot more. I also had a lifetime of abuse from her and have lived as her caregiver. So I will surely feel very complicated emotions which I'll deal with.
Your friend isn't wrong though.
Here are such feelings of an abused adult child found anonymously online.
"I’ll be so glad, when you depart.
This day, this hour, this minute, this second, leave planet earth right now
Either from a heart attack or a stroke, I don’t care how.
There was much punishment you deserved before becoming elderly.
Some things are going in the grave with you as you go into eternity.
. . .
Do you now feel helpless now like I did?
Do you even wish that you were already dead?
I’ve had that idea too fly into my head.
I’m not lying,
I’m glad you are dying
For as you are, I’m finally thriving
You are no longer the one totally in
control
All you have before you is being put in a six foot deep hole.
How I hate your objectification.
Spent years seeking salvation.
Your ending is but my beginning.
Thus, for you it is the end.
But for me it is a new day to begin.
And you said I would see that you were
not the bad one in the end.
Your drama is in its last act as well as about to end.
...
But mama, you’re the enemy
You knew it was wrong, but you did it anyway.
Knew it would cause me pain indefinitely.
Facing your own eternity, and this time you are through,
The train’s whistle sounds for you."
Hes had eight operations in that time.
People tell me with a smile on their face that because she’s so well taken care of she could go on for years, yay! I’m congratulating myself on not shrieking when they say that. People haven’t the slightest clue.
Then I feel guilty for wishing this seemingly endless situation is over. On top of duties and responsibilities ( other sib never helped at all ) Mom has had literally about 10 quick seizures where she blinks in and out. She rolls with it and so did I but after the 10th freaking time of this ‘maybe she’s gone, maybe she’s not ‘ my brain just went *phut *. Like what kind of horrible life and death game is this. It’s like being tied to a nightmare. I use all the tricks and self help imaginable but it shouldn’t be this much effort to try to have normal, decent enough days.
Again I have to thank this forum for the space to vent to people who ‘get it’. Blessings and wishing the best outcome for us all!
My mum alzo has dementia and ALL I can think of is “I wish she’d die today”. It takes such a tool on us taking care of her; I’m an only child and thankfully she has amazing siblings who also participate in her care because I don’t know what I’d do without them.
people always tell me to “take advantage” of the time I have with her but, what do I have? A person that resembles my mother with no other characteristics. She is just a walking shell at this point. Her speech is basically mumbling and she does nothing but roam up and down the house. Nothing else.
I hate it so much and it feels like the end is never going to come. She will never die, and I am just stuck, scared to move or get a new job that requires traveling or anything like that because then, who is going to care for her?
I understand you so completely.
Of course I realise when she dies I will be ‘free’ and please tell me because I don’t know if having this thought means I WISH she would die?? She’s been a good mom, yet an obstructive difficult mom and a martyr all my life and to a degree is still very much in control to do her bidding but lately I do things in my own time for the sake of my sanity.
She’s been anaemic for years and early on this year was diagnosed with a blood disorder (milodisplasure) and has to have life saving blood transfusion every fortnight. It’s quite unpleasant for a woman of her age having needles and drips attached and sitting all day with her mobility issues, it takes it out of her and she hates the upheaval of it.
Her consultant phoned me to ask if moms quality of life is worth keeping the treatment going and he would stop it if I wanted to which would mean ‘the end’ He also said that this illness means mom could pass away anytime and anyone else her age with the same condition probably would which is testimony to how strong a person she is.
I was so taken aback but my answer was mom has enough faculties to know the consequences of ending treatment so It’s HER decision and I won’t play god with her life. The day she tells me she doesn’t want or can’t face having the treatment will be the day to stop giving it to her and I’ve told same to the rest of the family.
I’m 65 now, worked 40 years, raised 2 good girls alone with moms help for which I am very grateful but really want to have more ME time.
I don’t always feel my best and looking after mom is draining. If I can bring myself to do so each night I usually give her a kiss on her forehead and say night mom sleep well combined with the thought this could be the last time … ?
Best news is (as I don't want to come across as a martyr ) I’m going abroad in October for a weeks well deserved holiday, it’s creeping up now and yet I dread telling her I’m leaving her to the carers. I firmly believe there’s every chance she will make 100, and if she does (wow) so be it.
I’ve been told by others who’ve had the experience ‘you’ll really miss her when she’s gone’ I’ll have to wait and see.
Any advice?
We wanted our dad to pass to relieve him of his pain and suffering. He never complained but his pain was so obvious. His sickness affected the entire family. We were sad when he died, but relieved that he was no longer suffering. We all miss him to this day and long to see him. But he is at peace.
And I’m like, here we go again. Here we all go thinking that fil or mil is on the imminent edge of dying.
Forgive me for having been through this at least a dozen times with him and her over the past 2 years. I’m just desensitized to them saying this is it.
are you an only child? i ask because i’m surprised at how easily you take it:
“I feel my parents took care of me and it is my duty to take care of them”
i ask you because i’m not able to take it that calmly. i wonder how you manage to take it that calmly?
Sometimes she reacts a little, sometimes not.
She was not perfect when she was well (who among us are), but she acted ALWAYS out of the love she felt for her family.
I hope she has known, as I’ve done my best to indicate her family’s love for her, that even the worst of us probably think we’ve done our best on her behalf.
So with Love, we wait.
Your thoughts of relief for the future are only that, thoughts. Your thoughts do not make things happen, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. Thoughts are safe and normal, and a good coping strategy.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your LO as much as is possible, for you.
Please go on your vacation. Your mother will be cared for at the AL she's in.
You already know that there will be a "health crisis" and an "emergency" because she wants you to miss out on your vacation. She wants to ruin it for you and will give the performance of her life to get you to.
Now, you can do one of two things here. Don't let her know you're going on a vacation. Just go. Leave instructions with the AL staff to tell your mother you're on vacation if she asks where you are. Tell them to not contact you unless there's an actual emergency and to not help your mother contact you for any reason.
Or you can stop playing her games. You do not have to meet her endless needs and pay her constant attention. She is in an AL facility that has aid staff. Believe me when I say NO ONE can meet the endless needs 24/7 or cater to the asinine nonsense our beloved elders come up with. It will consume your life and ruin both your mental and physical health if you're trying to. In spite of almost 25 years as an in-home caregiver to elderly my mother's endless needs and abusive nonsense almost put me in my grave. Im walking away because my life depends on it. So does yours.
Ask her doctor to prescribe medication to help her anxiousness. Then go on your vacation. When you return reduce the number of phone calls you take from your mother. Reduce the number of visits and hours you spend at the AL visiting her.
My friend confided in me, that he hopes his father dies soon, because he’s so nasty to him. I must say, I can understand my friend’s feelings, because his father’s nastiness is extreme.
I just wrote 2 paragraphs and deleted them regarding some of the many ways my mom willfully neglected her own health. I'll just condense them: Living on toast to lose weight because she loved how thin my friend was....the one with stomach cancer, purposely living in a mold environment for years (yes we tried, even so far as telling her that her clothing smelled and bringing her information), refusing to monitor her BP, not following up with dr, not getting prescriptions filled, not because she forgot, but because she's 'fine'...even though she's fine because the meds were working. She wouldn't get avacados because they're $1 each, but she'll buy chips for $4. Those are the top ones, there are so many more.
Add to that that mom was mean and you're now supposed to overlook all that and sacrifice your quality of life to remind them to eat, buy their avacados and well, ya, I get what you're feeling.
My mom forgets what's inconvenient, remembers what she wants to and wants waited on. I no longer answer every question, but tell her how to find the answer and am not serving her.
Mom: What day is it? Me: Where is your calendar?
Mom: When do I take this monitor off? Me: Three days after it was put on.
Mom: When was that? Me: Where's the paperwork?
Mom: Here it is (trying to hand it to me) Me: Awesome! Read it and it should say on there.
Me: Mom, do you want to eat? Mom: YES PLEASE
Me: The chicken is on the 2nd shelf and the steamed brocc is right beside it.
Mom: Put the dog outside Me: The dog goes out when she wants to.
Mom: I don't want it around me Me: My dog is part of my family and LIVES here. Mom: dirty looks the dog
Mom: Can I turn a light on? Me: What do you think?
Mom: Well I want to make sure it's ok Me : Don't I tell you if you're reading to please turn a light on? Mom: Yes (and the unspoken part....I usually turn it on when I say that)
I wouldn't say my mom is a narcissist, but Dr Ramini (You Tube) listed 4 types, and gave examples. Some of the phrases Dr R said they use are some of the EXACT things I've heard my entire life, so I'd say mom has had narcissistic tendencies.
My mom has expected respect without giving it, and has actually said, "I'm an old lady" as if that gives her the right to be rude. My siblings think she is just wanting to be taken care of. We have each observed her on security camera, reading or watching tv until she hears us coming near, then she turns off the tv or puts down the book and will stare vacantly or put her head in her hands. She has been seen moving briskly until she realizes we're there, then she slows down to p p steps and puts her arms out as if she is attempting to balance.
While your mom is in the hospital, can you talk to doctors about releasing her to a LTC facility?
many of the things you describe are like what’s happening on my side: for example the dialogues. that way she does less, you do more. sneaky ways to try to dump even more tasks on your shoulders.
“It is so very frustrating when you are the one expected to take care of them when they refused to care for themselves.”
i understand you!
here, you and i have different experiences. my mother is normally extreeeeeemely healthy. she took really great care of herself all her life. she got unlucky and started having health issues - but it’s absolutely not her fault.
passion for others, so how could you learn compassion for them when it might seem appropriate. Don’t feel
bad about how people judge you. They are not in your shoes. Some
therapu for yourself might be helpful
to handle the stress you are going
Through.
That's not entirely true or accurate
I DO have ways of getting out
The local transit bus can come here but I have to request a route deviation 2 hours in advance
And we do have people and neighbors who help take us places
It's just been too hot to do anything
I can't go anywhere to have fun and meet people because of her
I am 29 years old and still haven't found my true love yet and I never will as long as I'm stuck being my mom's caretaker!
I'm afraid to stand up to myself because I fear what her reaction and the consequence of rebelling would be
There are only 2 ways out of this:
-Save up money and move out or be placed into a group home (me and my brother are slightly disabled)
OR
-Wait for my mom to die so we can FINALLY be free at long last!
There is NOTHING wrong with wishing an elderly loved one dies especially if they lived a long enough life (my mom is 70) and have become a waste of resources
Addto that neglected financial paperwork, bills, etc., that she refuses to even open let alone address, and we’d have similar moms.
It isn’t wrong to want struggle and suffering to end. Hers, yours, everyone’s. Since her condition isn’t going to improve (it is so frustrating that these people have folks waiting on them hand and foot and STILL won’t lift a finger to better their conditions!), it seems logical to just secretly hope it will all end. I have the same hard thoughts, which are hard because this person was never a mother. Just a person who had kids and was never happy. I hope you can find some peace knowing you aren’t alone.
" stays" now even if she is left alone. I will do what I can but MY emotional health comes first and I will be unapologetic about that now.
Dysfunction, especially when combined with abuse, does not end once a child reaches adulthood or because the abuser begins to get old. By then, the abusive parent is well-versed in the tactics needed to make their children do what they want, and these behaviors are likely to continue right up until the parents' death unless someone—usually the abused—makes it stop.