What Does It Mean To Hold Space For Someone
What Does It Mean To Hold Space?
The transformative power of holding space in counselling and psychotherapy.
What does it mean to ‘hold space’ for someone?
As a therapist, I’m professionally trained to hold space. That is, I’ve learnt how to be with people in pain. Where-as most people learn or are used to avoiding pain and numbing their emotions, being able to sit with another person’s pain and experiences is my super power. If I was to define what the term holding space means I would say that It is our willingness and ability to be along side someone in their experience of pain.
Holding space means giving support that is free of judgement. It involves a conscious and deliberate choice to put aside our agenda, the need for our own specific outcome and the desire to give advice or “fix” a person or their situation.
Does the act of holding space involve compassion and how so?
Being able to hold space requires us to first have compassion. People think compassion is just about being nice, but it so much more than “niceness’. When we feel compassion for another person we first become aware that something is wrong. As we continue to feel compassion we move into a place fo connectedness and care. As compassion is activated it inhibits the fear circuits in our brain, which allows us to turn towards a persons pain and suffering instead of away from it.
Compassion is essential to holding space because it evokes our courage and our willingness to be present with another persons pain. Without it, we would not have the desire or ability to hold space for another. Compassion transforms part of our nervous systems stress response from fight, flight or freeze into a response of caregiving courage. With compassion we believe that we have the ability to make a difference and improve a situation into something workable.
Compassion is an activated emotional state that is designed to help us engage with pain and suffering and to be able to hold space for another person.
How can we hold space without letting judgement creep in?
It’s part of our human nature to judge, rather trying to stop judgement. what’s important is to make a conscious decision to “bracket” or move our judgement off to one side when it comes up.
As mentioned above holding space for someone means moving away from our own agenda. We need to bracket our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours and remember that we are always seeing someone else’s experience through our own lens or view of the world. Being aware of this means that we can gently bring ourselves back to the person we are with, whats happening for them right now in the present and what they might need vs what we believe they need. Remembering that holding space is other focused endnote self focused.
How can we get better at listening rather than immediately trying to fix things?
Holding space involves being with distress and uncertainty, it’s almost always about finding a way of entering into “not knowing.” As meaning making creatures, human beings like certainty, so it’s normal to feel a little uncomfortable with the “being with” part of holding space vs the “doing” and problem solving that we are used to in our every day life.
When it comes to being a good listener and learning not to try to search for solutions or give advice, one way we can practice listening is to inquire about the other person. Inquiring about the other person means to ask questions.
Any truly wise and empathic response when we hold space for someone will always be an inquiry. Rather than preparing a response in our mind when someone may be sharing information with us, we can practice listening to each word, without the need to form a response.
Being comfortable with some level of silence or pause in between speaking is also important. We do not need to respond with wisdom or the “right thing” sometimes a response is as simple as:
I hear you
Would you like to tell me more about it?
I really want to understand what that is like for you, would you like to tell me?
I have no words, but I am here for you?
Sometimes it is also saying, I don’t know the answer, and I am with you in this uncertainty
If we’re the person who needs our loved one to hold space for us, how can we communicate this?
It’s important to be able to open up and be clear about what is helpful for us when we need a loved one to hold space for us. There may be times when we struggle to do this for fear of appearing weak, wanting to handle it on our own or not wanting to burden others. I want to add here that vulnerability is a gift, it always invites deeper connection and allows others to be vulnerable in return. This is something we all want more of and need as a society, so lets embrace authenticity and open communication that supports this!
I’ve found something as simple as these statements to be helpful:
"What I really need tight now is for you just need you to be there for me. Not to give advice or fix anything, but just to listen.”
I have also said to close friends “ I don’t have the energy to engage in too much conversation right now, It would mean so much to me if you could just sit with me or be on the other end of the phone without the pressure for me to have to say or do anything."
Simple Ways We Can Hold Space For Others
When we hold space for someone it’s not always clear what we need to do or what the right thing to do is.
Often all we need to do is to be with someone. It’s actually our simple presence that provides comfort.
Presence without the words or specific action.
When you are holding space for someone first connect with your motivation and willingness to help and be with the person.
Repeat in your mind: I’m here to help” What Can I do?.
Open yourself up to be with it. It might sound simple, but connecting to your intention changes your physiology.
When we connection to our intention we are better able to read the emotional expressions of others faces and allows you to take the perspectives of others on board.
It also gives us the courage to stay with what is going on and it gives you hope that there will be a positive outcome and that we can make a difference. There is much power in our being with each other. When we focus on being with each other and not on having to fix each other we open the gates for a deeper and more connected experience that benefits not only the other, but ourselves.
Natajsa is a Clinical Psychotherapist with a private practice is based in Ashgrove, Brisbane. She provides psychotherapy and counselling to individuals and couples and facilitates fortnightly group therapy focused on interpersonal process. Natajsa believe's that the relationship we have with ourselves and others is the essential ingredient to our emotional health, happiness and wellbeing. Her focus is on helping people develop self-awareness and understanding of their challenges, so they can create long-term, sustainable change that leads to more fulfilling and meaningful lives. Natajsa has been featured as an expert both locally and internationally and has contributed to a number of print and online media outlets including Women's Health and Fitness Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The Courier Mail & ABC Online.You can find her:
www.natajsawagner.com
www.facebook.com/NatajsaWagnerPsychotherapy