I didn't actually mean to become a content creator on YouTube. Just by accident I paid a foreign company to help promote my local Tantra business, but they swindled me into a whole different service related to bumping up my Youtube views. I'd actually given up on it years ago because I was frustrated at the results of ("yet one more of my artistic failures" <---inner critic voice of the abused child) because I'd started several channels in my life and not gotten many views. But here is how my trajectory into "art failure" goes. My CPTSD makes me NEED to express myself (anger, pain, rage feeling which are all rooted in parental abandonment), through making art or video blogs but I did not know how to make a YouTube channel successful. I was just hoping masses of people would just SEE HOW AWESOME MY WORK WAS and just jump on it and Buy! and Like! Subscribe! Just like so many fantastic viral bandwagons to success are supposed to work! In this recent round, I ditched the overnight success fantasy which led to my ill informed depression and actually LEARNED THE SKILLS required to make a successful YouTube channel. And, it's a lot of hard work and not easy and mostly takes a long time to build a following with steady dedication, just like this Patreon, or OnlyFans or anything else where I am building a dedicated following. And so after paying that company $500 to fabricate views and likes and subscribes for ONE VIDEO, i learned how the keyword SEO system of Youtube searches works. It's just like Google or any other ranking using SEO. YouTube is the #3 search engine like Google is #1 so learning it seriously is nothing different than learning how to program or fix A/Cs or other widgets. It takes lots of constant deliberate actions on all your content and constant collaborations with other channels. I now realize that the jumpstart sprint and then crash and die pattern is also a trauma reaction and a form of self sabotage (if I lose myself in perceived failure and never try again) which mimics basically hopeful optimistic CODEPENDENCY PATTERN from continuously hoping that everytime I try to make myself better, stronger, cooler, more successful THEN maybe my family will love me. But this is what CPTSD survivors of an abused or neglected childhood do to themselves often. And NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY!!! And that amongst all of my previously believed perceptions of self are now understood on a deep deep level as FALSE! I was raised and kept in a family SLAVE status (no physical chains or hard labor for them even required!) for 44 years so my conditioning was just realized recently is still pretty good because I have more than 60 years left on earth! I had been told by my therapist that I had childhood PTSD as well as PTSD but this book by Pete Walker DROVE MY EXISTENCE AND PURPOSE home!! This book described all my symptoms and feelings so much and it made so much sense. I have MORE CLARITY in my life than I EVER HAVE before. I now understand that I was raised by narcissists and my mother has probably Borderline Personality and qualifies as a narcissist mother with her UNteaching me Japanese conditioning. (she's never been and refuses any psychotherapy so we don't know). This year's spiritual breakthrough is as big as me landing in Japan in 2016. My mom forbade me from going to art school out of high school even though I had shown promise and commitment in the arts THROUGHOUT my childhood so I internalized the need to be perfect or DIE as an artist mentality which ultimately makes the artist who has been abused feel totally defeated and like a failure everytime he doesn't sell work or get a show. My father, also a CPTSD survivor would go throug this putting up his photography work at shows and not selling much. I just got my car back yesterday after it being at Ford for 5 weeks! My energy actually busted openthe metal on 3 of the door hinges! It was a safety recall but the day after I stood up to my property manager my rear door decided to open while driving. These 2 videos which sum up my latests work.